Some people will read this headline and say, “Why do I want to hear about how some married dude still has the hots for his wife?” If that was the reason for this post, I would recommend that you not read it either, because the premise for the article would be all wrong. However, the idea that we should have lust for our significant others that are either married to us, or have a committed relationship with us, is also wrong, and that is the purpose of this post. Is it possible that the lust we feel for our committed partner is a result of many years of failed teaching about the purpose and meaning of relationships, or is it possible that no one ever took the time to tell us that we were meant for so much more than to be the object of someone’s lust or fantasy.
You may have heard that having a fantasy about someone is perfectly harmless, and I am sure there is a psychologist somewhere who would debate this with me, but I believe that there is no place in our lives for such things. In scripture, we read, “But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the desires of the flesh.” (Romans 13:14) It does not say that once we decide to live for Christ, we can dabble in the desires of the flesh, because they are a perfectly normal part of our being. It says, and I believe we should, make no provision for the desires of the flesh. To me, that means that we should not only not entertain the thoughts that sometimes can wander, we should utterly reject them as they are not a part of who God is calling us to be.
Now, to answer an old question from a colleague of mine from a few years back, “If we don’t lust after our wife, how do we know that we are attracted to her?” I will use Paul 1st letter to the Thessalonians, chapter 4, verses 3-5 to answer that question.
This is the the will of God, your holiness: that you refrain from immorality, that each of you know how to acquire a wife for himself in holiness and honor, not in lustful passion as do the Gentiles who do not know God.
I guess the big question is, are we just like the rest of the world?
Do we need lust to tell us that someone is a favorable match for us? If we are called Christians, we should be about more than just accepting the way our flesh moves us. Once we have discerned that it is God leading us, we can trust that he will lead us to the person that will help us get to heaven.
Finally, from the book of Tobit, we have a great prayer that I would recommend for every married couple to say to each other before they lay down to sleep together at night…Here it is:
“Blessed are you, O God of our ancestors;
blessed be your name forever and ever!
Let the heavens and all your creation bless you forever.
You made Adam, and you made his wife Eve
to be his helper and support;
and from these two the human race has come.
You said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone;
let us make him a helper like himself.’
Now, not with lust,
but with fidelity I take this woman as my wife.
Send down your mercy on me and on her,
and grant that we may grow old together.”
After saying this prayer, as Tobiah did with Sarah, you can be sure that the demons that may have surrounded you before will start to quake with fear. Remember to have patience with yourself, and know that you will need perseverance to see the goodness flow from any relationship, but a good marriage is definitely worth it. If you have never read the book of Tobit, I would strongly suggest reading it to help you if you struggle with finding or creating a holy relationship with your wife or husband. (Check it out here…)
As for me, I choose to not lust for my wife, but with the grace of God, I will wait on the Lord to reveal the new ways that I will learn to love her more each day for the rest of my life. I pray that everyone who reads this will seek out that love that comes from God, our Father, in their life too!